The irony of dying on your birthday.
That’s how I feel at the moment.
I have so many issues on my plate right now, I don’t know how to handle them anymore.
On one hand, I’m extremely happy that I’m getting my own place again, and I’ll be moving this Saturday. It will be nice to have my own space, privacy, a real bed, etc.
But on the other hand, there’s lingering feelings from my previous relationship. Not ones that I want to do anything about, but they’re there nonetheless. There’s also some odd feelings about some of the women I’ve talked to throughout my time being single, but it’s mostly just angst. I’m feeling lost and alone.
I have my friends still, though the faces have changed. The new crowd I hang out with is much more mature than the last, and it’s been relatively drama-free. Still, there’s no substitute for what I’m lacking, and I don’t see anything on the horizon that seems promising. It’s times like this when I hit my lowest.
I guess I’m too dependant on things I can’t control to find happiness. I guess It’s the overwhelming feeling that my life isn’t quite right at the moment, that’s making me feel down. I know that things are moving forward and I’m set on a better path. But I can’t help but look at my past and see a pattern. A pattern of love and loss, regardless of if I’m talking about women or friends.
It’s depressing to think that I’ve had many opportunities at happiness, and some of those I’ve fucked off. When sitting in the situation, I tend to feel like there’s something else I want, and then when things change, I want what I had back. It’s a disorder of some sort, but I can’t quite place it. I do know that I want to get better things out of life, but I don’t know where to start. Being out of the game for a long time really fucking sucks. I hate having to learn things over again. Thankfully it’s like riding a bike, you never really forget.
It’s just amazing to me that when you have a significant other, girls will be all over you, trying to steal you away, trying to create waves. But when you’re single, no one gives a shit. You’re a nobody, that nobody wants. I’m coming to find out how the world works, and it quite literally makes me sick.
The thing that makes me sad is the fact that I thought I found the one person I wanted to spend my life with, and she left me. What’s sadder than that is the fact that now that she’s gone I’m disgusted by her, all the things we went through, and I realize that I was just spinning in the mud. It’s like banging your head against the wall; there’s pain and you know that you should probably stop, but for some reason the pain makes you realize you’re still alive.
Excuse my mess. I can wrap my head around things a little easier if I write them down. It’s therapeutic. Hopefully when things get settled again I can go back to posts that make a little more sense, and have nothing to do with being a head-case.